If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
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Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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