Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
