I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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