sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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