I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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