so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
