Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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