??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
