Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Send help, water and tortillas.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
