i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?