omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
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We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.