I'm going to jail i love you
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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