im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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