My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
