I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
They took my balls.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
