I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize