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woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
