My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
