I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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