I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
