Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
