Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
