how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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