Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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