How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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