Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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