Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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