Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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