i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
