just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
