Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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