everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
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just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
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I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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