His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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