Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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