Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
