i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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