billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
