I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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