I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
