The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
