So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
