There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
