She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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