why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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