you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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