I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
