He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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