did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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