you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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