I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
