I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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