i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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