she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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