i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
